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"Hey, stop! Stop! Talk to me," I pleaded to his in-his-own-ecstatic-moment face, my mind whirling with the conflict of reality versus "What Was Supposed to Be." "Aren't you supposed to ask me if I'm ready emotionally and physically?" I threw words I had read online to him, my anchors for the moment.He started blankly at me. "Er, no. You seemed ready." He was so matter-of-fact that I burst into tears and laughter at the same time. I had just lost my virginity, to an utterly insensitive guy I was unfortunately starting to care for. And in a scary position too. Then we tried it again, after he asked me nicely to get on top of him. I didn't see why not, since we had already kind of done it, without a heart-to-heart session. It felt odd, but was no big deal really, like jamming something into my ear. And then it went all the way in. It burned like a scab was being scratched off inside me, but not too painfully. I tried to move up and down, reading enjoyment on his face, and feeling. Suddenly, he went in to kiss me. I felt his wet lips on mine. I didn’t stop him right way though. Time seemed to freeze, and I just kissed him back. I really wasn’t thinking about the fact that I was making out with another guy. It was nice to feel wanted and the wine was honestly clouding my judgement. It wasn’t until Dave put his hand on my thigh that made me break the kiss. It was warm and stronger than I would have imagined, and it brought a dread of guilt over me as I remembered on my first date with my husband when he touched my leg. I was pissed at Jason that day, but I wasn’t with Dave. If I wasn’t married, I would have let Dave go farther. I broke our kiss and excused myself to the restroom. I had to leave that situation before things got out of hand. In the bathroom I splashed some cool water on my face and had to regroup. My buzz from the wine was starting to wear off and the reality was starting to set in. I had just kissed a guy who was not my husband. And to make it.
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