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I roll and pinch them between my thumbs and fingers, feeling the familiar ache between my thighs as I do. I squeeze my thighs together hard and caress the fullness of my breasts for a while, just imagining that you were here watching me, wanting me in the same way that I want you right now. I just can’t resist it any longer, my hand moves between my thighs, I have to satisfy myself, I need it. My pussy is slick and my fingers easily glide over the hot silkiness, spreading the juices to my clit. I arch my back and close my eyes - you’re there again invading my mind, thoughts of you get me even hotter than I already am. I pinch my nipples harder, imagining your lips caressing my body as my fingers circle my clit. The only things that fill my mind at that moment are you and my want and desire for you and for this pleasure. I can't help but wonder about you, I wonder if you would enjoy to watch me like this, or if you would be unable to resist the temptation of joining me. I would so. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep inside of me. I wanted to be a dominant. I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt, however great, never stopped me from fantasizing. If I was going to turn over a new leaf, and try to be open and truly honest with my potential partners, I needed to acknowledge this part of me. Let it out, and learn how to engage it.Suddenly I realized what was so terrifying about being myself. I was petrified about letting the dominant part of me out. What if they thought I was sick. What if they laughed. Worst of all, what if I hurt somebody? Jesus. That would.
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