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I know what I have to lose!”“You didn’t before?” I asked. “You actually thought you could fuck Mark and everything would be hunky-dory?”“I already told you! I wasn’t thinking, at least at first,” she cried. “If I was thinking, I never would have done it! It was only after I did it the first time that I thought about it, and look where that got me.”“Now we come to the heart of the matter,” I said, “The reason you were able to do it, and thought that you could continue, was because I trusted you. To paraphrase Rhett Butler, ‘Frankly my dear, I don’t trust you’.” Then I rolled over, turning my back to Connie, and fell asleep to her soft sobs.The end came, not with a bang but a whimper, and reads like such a cliché that I’m almost embarrassed to write it down.I had an out-of-town business trip that ended early, and although I told myself I simply wanted to surprise Connie, I’m sure that deep down in my subconscious I thought that I would test whether or not I could trust Connie.As I. I guess it doesn't really matter. I've kinda stoppedtalking to God, since He doesn't seem to listen anyway. The other day Iactually screamed at Him, I was so mad. But even that didn't changeanything. Just how long will my torment last?******My knee feels better, which is okay, I guess. I got to thinking aboutwhat happened with my dad and realized it would be pretty selfish of meto kill myself and leave my body for my mom to find after she's alreadylost him. Its getting close to Christmas and the lights look pretty and even thesnow somehow looks better.I don't know if I'm any better, but I'm goingto try and survive.*****Merry Christmas, Diary!It was actually a nice Christmas. John is just glowing with his new-found faith. I'm still struggling with mine, but I'm happy for him. Asfor my gender stuff, well I have a confession. I've been crossdressing,"borrowing" my mom's stuff. I don't know how to describe how I feeldressed, there are so many different things going on. There's the.
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