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You will present yourself in front of the whipping block, facing the wall, and stand to attention with your hands on your head. Wait in silence for further instructions. "Your loving wife. "Helen." I closed my eyes, blinking back the tears. It had only been a week... I had hoped for more time than this. There was no use protesting, of course. Not one goddamned bit of use at all. I refolded the letter and replaced it in the envelope, leaving it on the table. The clock said seven thirty; I needed to hurry. I fished out some gardening gloves and clippers and went back into the garden and down to the very bottom, to the large patch of stinging nettles that I kept there. I made sure to pick only the largest and best, knowing that it would be expected. The purple colouration of the stems was a sure sign of a good, well developed plant with lots of stinging hairs. Back in the house I selected a jug and filled it with water to keep the nettles fresh,. ‘Oh… one of the, um, fans… well, she was obsessed with the size of my feet. Wouldn’t leave me alone unless I showed her the size of my shoe. I let her see and then came running across the parking lot to you. The things you do to get the hot chick’s number, man.’ He trailed off and I had to admit I thought the whole scenario was a little charming. Weird, definitely weird, but charming. I gave him my number and then made my way home. The next morning on our hike, Tyler was less than impressed with my story. ‘Wait, so Manderella came running up to your car with a shoe in his hand and somehow this is endearing instead of a sign of total pathetic absence of game? No wonder you don’t want me, Princess, I could never be that lame.’ ‘Don’t call him that,’ I snipped before I had the chance to think better of it. There was no surer way to ensure that Tyler called him nothing but Manderella than telling him not to. ‘So you gave Manderella your number and then what?’ he asked, completely.
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