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I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep inside of me. I wanted to be a dominant. I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt, however great, never stopped me from fantasizing. If I was going to turn over a new leaf, and try to be open and truly honest with my potential partners, I needed to acknowledge this part of me. Let it out, and learn how to engage it.Suddenly I realized what was so. I was a bit irritated by her reply but had to keep quiet. We idly watched TV.Chitti continued his play and I was feeling restless. Then I told Ranjani "will you do it to me here?". She shyly said "how?" and pointed to Chitti. I went inside and removed my jutti and brought a towel from there. Then I sat wearing only the dhoti. I asked her to come and sit in my lap but she shook her head negatively so I asked her to sit near me on my left side. She sat and I told her "let Chitti play — you insert your hand inside my dhoti and shake my kunjumani like you did yesterday — I will cover your hand with towel so that Chitti cannot see it". She asked "should I go and put oil?". I grinned and said "today you do with dry hand — but do slowly — don't hurry". I then slightly parted my dhoti so that she can insert her hand into my middle. When she grabbed my penis I covered her hand fully with the towel so that her hand was not visible outside.I had a massive erection and water was oozing. She.
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