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The last few days I'd gotten to understand a little about what Dr. Nihlewas talking about. This wasn't just a "disease," this was my body. Itwas up to me whether I would accept it or not. My decisions would affectmy whole life, change how people treated me, and how I thought aboutmyself.Something I'd been doing a lot of lately, when I wasn't eating orplaying games, was sitting in my room and thinking about all the girls Iwent to school with. They all had different bodies, different styles ofclothing, senses of humor, attitudes, personalities, desires, andeverything else. I think I always thought of girls as all being "girls,"like they all had the same mind.I was so fucking stupid.To prepare for all the physical changes I was going to go through, I hada lot of gray and white clothes to wear in all these different sizes.Mostly t-shirts and sweatpants that had been donated by my stepdad'schurch. He was Presbyterian, so my Mom and I converted to that fromCatholic before she got married.. Papa wants me to marry Barbach,” she said. “Barbach the butcher?” Otto asked.“Yes,” she sobbed.He put his arms around her and drew her to him causing her to lay her head upon his shoulder. He said, “But he is an old man—a widower with children. His son must be 12 or 13.”“Karl is 12. Barbach has asked papa and offered a dowry. Papa encouraged him but told him to wait until spring.”“I suppose there could be worse matches,” Otto commented as he tried to think of a way to cheer his sister. He knew that once their father had made up his mind there would be no changing it.“I will never know the love of a man my age,” she sobbed, “unless…”Otto waited for his sister to continue but since she did not he asked, “Do you have a plan?”“Yes I do. I…I want…” She was so nervous at the thought of what she was about to say her voice quivered. “I want to make love to a young man and get pregnant before spring so I will be unfit for the butcher.”“You will be disgraced,” he stated. “No man will.
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