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The jokes are overdone, over-applauded, and some are over my head. Being alone is so hollow. Having nothing to do is okay if you’ve got someone to do nothing with but otherwise it eats at you like woodworm, leaving you hollow and insecure.I flick off the television and silence resumes. Teeth. Shower. Bed. The sheets are cool. I can never sleep until he gets home. I retrieve my phone, pray that the WiFi will work and absorb myself in the glowing screen.The world is a huge lake full of interesting people and I lie there, looking at the small screen and Twitter and Facebook and Instagram profiles and pictures of beautiful people and people in love and people just living. Going places. Things that I do but somehow their versions are glossier. Sparklier. They seem to have it so together. But this is what we sell. It’s what I myself sell, to everyone.I don’t text anyone I know because they’ll want to know why I’m texting so late on a Saturday night, and where’s Max and am I not having fun. “That was not full sex. We hardly moved, you didn’t come and I certainly didn’t.”“I don’t care. OK, I want our first time when we do it properly to be without barriers. So don’t try anything like that again.”That angered me. “I would point out that I pulled out, by myself. My decision not yours. I didn’t notice you pushing me away at any stage. So don’t try loading all the guilt on me.”I turned my back on her. All the romantic feelings I had had for her had gone. In my book she had ruined a wonderful evening by blaming me for something we both did, and for which I did not feel in the slightest bit guilty.“Graham...”“Just go to sleep. You might like to reconsider some of your comments in the morning. You’ve ruined what could have been a beautiful evening. We both did it, I pulled out. I stopped it. You didn’t. So take the blame yourself if you must lay blame. Go on your own private little guilt trip if you can’t admit it to me, but don’t lay it on me. Goodnight.”Silence, then she.
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