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‘it was a silly game anyway.’ I didn’t wipe the paste off my face still, I walked by his side that day, pretending all the while that he had returned my silly gesture and understood. Could it be wrong to pretend this? I wanted to ask someone, but the only one there was him, and he wasn’t even there. Now, I stood by a window. So much had changed, and somehow nothing had changed at the same time. A stranger had taken me into a room of zigzagging floors, giant metal boxes growled and hissed outside, waiting for me to join them. Yet I was still inside that forest. While my face presented clean, I could still feel the crying colour on my cheeks. ‘this wasn’t meant to happen,’ the stranger smiled at me, ‘I’m sorry about all the stairs, there was just not other place to do this picture.’ He laughed as if he was brand new, as if he had never been scorned, ‘sorry, I forgot to ask, what is your name?’ ‘Does it matter? We’re just painting a picture and then I’ll probably never see you. "But I just couldn't get these thoughts and feelings out of my mind, they were there every time I thought about you and they seemed to be getting stronger, more real. I couldn't seem to help myself, I was getting off on them," he went on. "I hoped that all of this could remain a fantasy, a dirty little secret in my mind that it would never go beyond that. That I could somehow keep you from knowing how... how sick I was." His emotions were so strong that tears ran down his face."Then, when Leon came to work for me and we saw that woman and he mentioned to me how much he like big women, everything suddenly changed. It was like he was able to read my thoughts, like he knew what I was feeling. Suddenly the possibilities of this became real to me... all too real. I began to fear something like this might happen. And fear that they might not happen. I felt torn and conflicted, I wanted it and I was afraid of it. That's when things started to get out of hand, I guess. I just lost control. I.
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