That's the way I want to be." Nancy believes she looks more believable as an older woman when shesmokes," my mother said. "She says it gives her confidence and makes herfeel powerful and smart and sexy and sophisticated." She smiled at me asSusan and Margie broke into laughter. "Am I missing anything, honey?" sheasked.I felt embarrassed and dumb, and the laughter wasn't helping. "Yeah,that's pretty much it, Karen. Thanks for making me feel stupid," I said.Margie told me not to be embarrassed. "I think we're laughing because weall probably started for the same reasons you did- to be grown-up andsexy. However, now that we're all big girls, we can't quit because we'readdicted. It's one of those 'Catch 22' things."Susan trimmed her cigarette in the ashtray and said, "Margie is rightabout it being a 'Catch 22', but if you're willing to pay the price, thenyou might as well enjoy the benefits and pleasures that go along withbeing a smoker. Just wait until a man lights your cigarette for. Helooked off into space and tried to come up with an excuse, then finallytold her, "I'd love nothing more. I love being a girl. I can't be a boyanymore, I'm outed. I want to be me, but I don't want to hurt anyoneelse. I want to be a girl, I'm a girl. I'm a girl! I need to be a girl!"He broke down again, with Jaimie softly telling him, "I think you needmore sessions. I'm asking you to visit my aunt in Boston for a secondopinion then talk with your family about this. It's a major decision foryou to make, it's your body and mind at risk here. You are borderline inmy expert opinion. You are leaning heavily to the female side but it'sjust so sudden. You were evaluated by a colleague and didn't show signsof being a girl then. I think you don't fully grasp who you are and whatyou are. I need you to think long and hard about what will happen toyou, what transitioning entails, what it'll do to you. I know that yourfamily supports you, your cousin proves that. You need to think aboutwhat is.
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