The nursing staff quickly brought Ryan’s body back to us in his assigned room, where Barbara had been sleeping earlier that night and early morning, so that we could mourn in greater privacy than in the CICU. We each took turns holding him, and kissing his head, and weeping together, talking about him and reminiscing with some memories of him while over the next hour or so Barbara and I begin the task of calling our family members, friends, church family, and Ryan’s in-home nursing team to tell them of his passing. I held him one last time, as his head then began to feel cool to my lips, and I could deny to myself no longer the reality and the fully unbearable knowledge that the flame of life had left his small body behind. I asked everyone to give him one last kiss goodbye – as I could no longer bear to hold him as his body cooled…alienating him further from life…from our lives, and after we discussed the necessary arrangements and procedures with the hospital nursing staff, we. Once we made it to his bedroom, we sat there, quietly. I couldn't ever recall us being this silent before. We were confused, distorted and aloof. A horrifying side of us fought with our inner feelings that night. Voices inside our minds kept pestering us, “why didn't you behave like those other boys? Why didn't you enjoy that?” That night was quiet, as we struggled to contain the confusion inside ourselves. That day marked its history in our friendship. We both knew what happened and why it happened, but we couldn't figure out why we felt the way we did. Are boys our age supposed to like girls like that? I remembered my parents consistently telling me that someday I'll have a girlfriend and that I'll be kissing girls. But I wondered, “when will that happen?” During the middle of the summer, our lives were shattered by terrible news. My parents told me I was going to another school for the fifth grade. At first I was excited, but then I realized I wouldn't see Trevor.
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