"Welcome to Shady Lady Detective Agency," motioning her in to be seated and immediately concerned if the flimsy IKEA chairs I had hastily assembled could survive her mass. Her eyes darted across my desk, stopping first on the red Solo cups I put there to add class to the joint, then to my overflowing ashtray with 102 butts I could count with the ease of Dustin Hoffman. Finally to my nameplate."What kind of name is Penelope?" (Although her pronunciation was more akin to cantaloupe). I corrected her, fearfully, not wanting to run off my first client with semantics.'What can I do for you, Miss...?" I'm Bertha, Bertha Snodgrass. (her name was as melodious as her appearance.) I need you to find a missing person,"...as she slid a photograph across the table slowly, like revealing an iffy poker hand.Peeking at it, suppressing the urge to scream, cry and/or vomit, I was looking at the ugliest woman ever seen outside a Grimm's fairy tale. Her toothless smile meant I could rule out dental. I was an awkward teen at that time and had yet to have a real girlfriend. I was fascinated with the normal type porn of the era, my friends dad had a extensive magazine collection that he shared, and of course the late night movies on"skin o max" were always a favorite.But when the two 20 somethings moved into the apartment across the street, my sexual life changed forever. The apartment across the street faced the opposite street that our house sat on, but one of the bedrooms of the apartment had a row of full size windows that were directly across from my bedroom. The apartment had been empty for quite a while and to be honest, I couldn't tell you who had lived there before these 2 girls moved in. There were no window shades or curtains of any type in that bedroom when the girls moved in and it took them quite a while to get around to putting them up.It was a devastating day when I came home to see they actually had put blinds up.The 2 girls were friends, I thought for a minute.
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